There just isn't enough hours in a day to complete all that's expected of me and still maintain my happiness. I'm going to try to focus on reintroducing exercise into my life. Perhaps those endorphins will help. It's Monday, I have left over work from internship to do, work-work, a ridiculous fiscal meeting, school and a paper to write. I need more sand in my hourglass.

Dear Kelly....I mean diary,
I really hate coming in to work. My job is so mundane, tedious and boring to the max. During my hurried walk from the garage to the building today I envisioned myself interviewing for a part time OS position. In my fantasy I was a new mom too. I presented well at the interview of course, but the panel was perplexed by my decision to demote. What a stupid fantasy.
Does that make me a bad citizen? Is it bad that all I want to do is be a housewife and nest? Fuckin' disney movies and novelas; they filled my head with shit lies.  
The Wannabe Alcoholic in me has relapsed. In another one of my fantasies today, I hit up Flames before class and had myself 3 glasses of wine. Then when I got to class I explained to Elena that I had wine with my dinner, not that wine was my dinner. Then while coming back from seeing a client, I ran into Makan. He held the door open for me and I noticed he had a coffee thermus-magig in his hand. Then I entered the elevator he used and it smelled like listerine. I immediately concluded he did not have coffee in that container and then I thought, "I could bring coffee with vodka to work; who would really notice?"
I dissappoint myself with my escapist fantasies.
Hey I wanna try something you taught me
<lj-cut text=did it work?> I'm a fat ass </lj-cut>
hmm, what did I do wrong?
Why are all my coworkers hovering. Gina is a brat anyway. Glad she's not my daughter.

Sigh...my life is worse than average and that's ok. I'm so glad IS has not blocked livejournal; i'll be coming here more often. I got 2 weeks left before I go back to the school grind. That's good. The sooner I go back the sooner I'll graduate and the sooner I'll get a new job. Although, I may hate being a Social Worker all together. Really I want to do something more creative and fun. Like have my own boutique but money makes life easier and I suppose I'm a slave to it, the money and the security that is. Sometimes I just want to quit being a responsible adult. Kelkelrenee says I should stop classifying myself into these "boxes" of what I am and am not supposed to be. I try. I need to try harder.

Today I long to be in LA listening to KJLH; is that station even on air anymore. I wouldn't know. Wouldn't it be awesome if we could rewind our lives and change things? Maybe. Or maybe not because we'd never learn from our mistakes.

I want to try DRANK. End post.

...what was the question? Huh?

I have regressed to a 12 year old again. It has become a bit of a problem again. The fact that I am married, working full time and going to school is interfering with the life 12 year old Ali wanted to live 19 years ago, only today. It's ridiculous; I know. Going cold turkey was the best option but how can I deny myself what I wanted most as a tween? No, abstinence will just make the obsession burn.

And it's more than what the 12 year old me wants; it's also what the 31 year me wants. Always delaying gratification on so many levels. Feeling guilty for wanting what I do. I am a sucker and I'm certain the cumulative effects of stifling my true desires will have a toxic result. I'm tired of feeling my feelings. Can I have some drugs please?